27 yo female here. so I started dating again and have met up with 2 guys via tinder. On BOTH occasions, the dates themselves went really well (at least from my perspective). We had great banter, some flirting and lots of laughs. With both men, the first date ended with sex. They both asked for my number after and said "lets do this again".
and then, both of them ghosted me. like no response, even after i followed up with a text. not even a "hey i don't think this is going to work out" text. It's really hurting my self confidence and makes me want to give up on online dating (and dating overall). Is there something wrong with me? Are all men just trash? My fellow redditors, wtf is going on? Pls halp.
I’m far from the person who should be telling someone that sex on the first date is an issue. That being said, I’ll give you my perspective.
Though I wasn’t there and can’t tell you what specifically happened with these two guys as a guy I can say that if meet with someone off tinder (which I have done) especially if we meet same day or within a very close time of matching I’m more inclined to believe it is a hookup and in my own mind kinda box said lady into the hookup zone (a la the “friend zone”). Just my two cents.
If they get what they are after on the first date… why would they stay in touch? Despite their bullshit ads… finding someone that has any interest in a real relationship on tinder is a needle in a haystack. Perhaps try a different app.? Or maybe not put out on the first date (this isn’t shaming, this is possible explanation)
Sounds like you met 2 dudes that you just didn’t get on with. Why? Who knows? Maybe they changed their minds. Maybe they’re seeing other women. Maybe they had to move. Got some bad news. Work stressing them out. Etc.
We (men and women) need to learn to stop taking rejection so personally. Majority of the time is not something you did but other facts or you just not gelling as well.
All men are not trash, but men who are able to get a lot of matches on Tinder find themselves with so many options that they fear missing out of the Really Great One one click away if they jump off the merry go round and stick with one person.
This is the biggest issue IMO with app-based dating, the enormous number of choices available makes people (not just men, women too, especially those with a litany of choices and options) fear “losing out” if they choose any given one — why choose one when you can have a hundred?
I know women who have slept with a guy early and they fall in love or whatever but that has never been my experience. I’m 26f and have had my fair share of fun but any guy I sleep with early praises me in bed and then ghosts or never commits. Coincidentally any long term relationships I’ve had were with guys where I held out for months. I’ve asked guy friends about this and they say “who doesn’t love sex? But I’m not inspired to commit or work for something if I’ve already got it all handed to me early/on day 1”.
So I’ve decided I’ll either have a blast with casual sex (no expectations) or hold out if I want a relationship and know sex will get me overly invested and bummed out if he doesn’t commit.
All men aren’t trash. There is nothing wrong with having sex whenever you want but maybe be honest with yourself about your expectations and how different outcomes will impact you before you act. I don’t think these guys ghosting has anything to do with your personality, worth, etc. it’s just the way things go sometimes.
You have to clarify what your conditions are for having sex (ex: being in a relationship, or X amount of dates first, etc) BEFORE you sleep with people you don’t know
It sounds pretty clear it was intended to be a hookup. I would strongly suggest no sex on first few dates. It gives both of you some time to see if you want more. It also will weed out a lot of f-boys.
Anytime you see a pattern that you don’t like, you should evaluate why it may be happening. Use that knowledge to hopefully not have it happen again.
If you want to minimize your risk of getting ghosted, and if you are looking for a relationship and not just something casual/ONS, there are two things you can do: 1) don’t have sex on the first date — youll quickly see a guy’s true colors that way; 2) don’t use tinder — bumble and especially hinge will have more relationship-oriented guys
this literally just happened to me, I had gone out with a really nice guy a week ago. We didn’t have sex on the first date, which I normally do but I’ve realized its not my thing anymore. I told him this he seemed really respectful of the boundary. Next date, we do have sex and immediately I notice hes not texting me really. In-between the dates the contact was very frequent and he asked to see me multiple times. I asked to see him again and he told me he didn’t really feel a connection.
So even when you’re getting all the green lights, you can still get fucked over! Dating is fucking hard and annoying. I don’t think it really has anything to do with when you have sex, you honestly never really know what someone else is thinking.
Maybe state your intentions from the start? Make it clear your looking for some consistency and hopefully you find someone you vibe with. I also like to chat for a while before I meet someone to see if there is potential for more than sex.
The ol’ sleeping on the first date dilemma. What complicates this is adding technology with phones and dating apps thus the expectation of consistant contact to establish a “relationship”. Ghosting is the convenient way to avoid rejection. When you ask anyone why they do it, they claim they don’t want to deal with any potential negative reaction. Therefore, anyone who Ghosts is not emotionally available. Can’t establish anything with someone who can’t process complex emotions from themselves or others. Ghosting is your closure!!!! In an ideal world people would communicate and be able to handle rejection but that’s not the case. You dodged a bullet, you don’t want that person in your life, they disrespectfully exited. Why Rack your brain about it, NEXT!
The sleeping on the first date and never hearing from a guy afterward. We can assume what we want about the logic or the hypocrisy about it, but the main point is that from the onset something as important as sex, you do not agree with, therefore you are not compatible!
All in all, we will not be able to control others perception or change the narrative on this. I went through the same struggle. Upon realizing I can’t control or change others, that I can only change and control myself – by limiting my assumptions and trying to seperate my emotions from another individuals choices… the negative aspects of dating don’t affect me as much and I now am enjoying meeting new people and having new experiences.
> tinder
Found your problem.
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If it is making you feel this way, I would remove sex from the first couple of dates. You’ll weed out the guys who only want sex. I used to do what you did and that always ended in a flaming dumpster and I’d cry over a boy I knew for 5 minutes lol. Now I won’t even kiss someone on the first date. If you’re looking for something more serious, try dating without the physical stuff for 2-3 dates and see how you go. You don’t need to have sex with a guy so he likes you. The right guy will like you even when there is no sex on the first few dates.
Edit: I’m not shaming casual sex either. If that’s what you’re looking for, go for it. It doesn’t sound like it’s what you are looking for though as it’s hurting your feelings after sex to be dumped/ghosted. I could be wrong.
I am a woman too. My position on sex on the first date is that I’ll do it if I’m ok with whatever the outcome may be – happy if it leads to more, happy if it doesn’t (because sometimes I also just want to have a fun night with an attractive person). I am currently dating someone I slept with on the first date, but we ended up hitting it off and wanted to keep seeing each other. I’ve also had one night stands turn into long term FWBs before, which was nice.
But if I slept with someone and they didn’t want to keep seeing me after, I wouldn’t take it personally, I’d just assume that’s not what they want and move on. I’d actually prefer that if it does happen, it happens on the first date and not after 3+ dates, when I’m more emotionally invested in the guy.
Possibly imposter phenomenon? I say this because I did this when I was younger.
Sometimes guys can ghost because they’re insecure and worried you’ll find them as useless and unattractive as they find themselves. Better to move on, rinse and repeat. There’s no long term, sustainable plan. Hell, I’m almost 50 and every now and then I wonder what the hell my partner sees in me and think that one day, she’ll realise too. You’re probably an awesome person and you possibly intimidate them a little.
Or maybe they’re just dicks?
Just want to add, I doubt they really were looking for something long term. If a person wants something long term, sleeping with someone earlier or later wouldn’t really deter them from pursuing things.
If someone leaves after getting some, that was probably the main goal.
Don’t get too down on yourself. Not everyone is a potential partner and you’ll find a good match! (Not easy to do, but definitely worth the wait!) chin up! you have so much going for you!!
It’s not you. I got ghosted by a girl I met on tinder after we saw eachother for 3 months. We slept over everytims and I lived at her apartment for a bit. It’s not you.
People of all genders can be assholes. That’s all there is too it. Don’t blame men or women. It’s just immature jerks.
No one is nicer to you than a man who hasn’t slept with you yet. Keep your guard up, sis!
If I’ve learned anything from this sub it’s that the word “female” should never be used. You used it in your first sentence, so that could be your problem?
My wife sent me naked pics on our FIRST PHONE CHAT EVER when we met on Match.com. I thought the relationship would be garbage and only went on the first date for the LOLs. 9 years together, and 6.5 married and a kid and a house and all that.
So that said? I don’t think sex or being racy on date 1 is a killer. But I do know that a lot of guys looking for a hookup will view it as mission accomplished, so you’re going to have to get better at reading the signals to avoid those guys AND accept that some people are shit and you will get ghosted from time to time. There is nothing wrong with you. 2 assholes is not a significant sample size. It’s just two assholes.
That would be my old person advice to you.
Maybe should have made them wait a while before sex. They obviously were bang and go guys.
You might be one of those 80% percent girl goings for the top 20% of guys. They have a lot of chooses. They just don’t care. Info from a online dating study.
You gave them what they wanted on the first date, now they have no use for you
Women have the upper hand in casual sex, men have the upper hand in committed relationship. Women usually have to lower their standard for a long term relationship. Men lower their standard to have sex, but after the hornyness is gone, they wake up all of a sudden, no I don’t want her to be my long term partner.
Not all guys are like this, but I know my own guy friends, and they generally don’t entertain girls they sleep with easily. I’m not sure if it’s because there’s no chase involved or if it’s because they lose interest or what, but being a female who has male cousins and friends, I learned a long time ago not to put out early, especially on the first date. It just never ends well. My personal opinion, and I know modern thinkers will disagree, is that men can’t help losing respect when it’s this early.
I know I’ll get a lot of downvotes from this because the way it is in reality and the way people want it to be is much different.
Can’t give it up on the first date…like EVER if you want men who want more then just sex. Trust me I have learned that one too! And even THEN it still happens. Like a lot!
Why are you sleeping with guys after the first date?
Stop sleeping with guys on the first date .
Sex on first date communicates one and done, especially from tinder.
Well… men are not trash.
Those 2 men simply wanted sex and that’s it. Just move on from it and keep dating.
It is usually good to date a lot, meaning go on many dates (not sex) to learn different people and mainly to see what you like in a future partner.
I don’t think it’s right to criticize you for sleeping with them on the first day, but girl be real. They aren’t trash, you just barely knew those men and didn’t know their real intentions.
They might hit you up later, but the sex can’t be taken back. And we as women are much more emotional and connect during sex, whereas some men can separate the love vs sex.
So… if you didn’t like this I recommend you come up with a different dating strategy that makes you happy.
Again, block, move on, keep dating but see what happens if you have a great date but take it slow and don’t sleep with people. Or alternatively, do sleep with them regardless but be aware some men might only want you for a hookup and nothing more and even if the date is nice, we all know from the first moments whether there’s long term potential or not.
Everybody is looking for different things and having sex to hopefully lock down a person usually is a terrible idea 😭