I was in a loving, secure and committed relationship for 9 years. We were on the same page about everything and very affectionate. Best friends, tons of shared interests, had so much fun together.
Over the years our passion waned, especially during the pandemic. We were struggling a lot in our sex life. I had never really had sex with anyone else and didn’t enjoy it with him anymore, and didn’t know how to fix it. I got very fixated on the idea that he would never be able to recreate the romance I desired, have good sex, and I questioned if I loved him enough.
During pandemic and depression I started blaming my sadness on him. We stopped having sex completely. I was desperate to fall in love again. Started secretly googling if it’s time to break up, polyamory, and came across Dear Sugar’s post “leaving a good man is hard to do” and felt it was written toward me.
I was in therapy and complaining a lot about my relationship. My therapist suggested I take some time away to focus on myself. I traveled for a while on my own and decided I would be better off alone and traveling full time. I came home and abruptly told him I was leaving. I was 30 at the time.
What dear sugar and my therapist did not suggest though, is to spend significant effort working on the relationship before leaving, esp such a LTR. To do couples counseling. To try everything and getting 100% clear together before splitting up.
I made such a one-sided decision. I didn’t have the tools or understand how to communicate through the issues we were having. I remember reading this reddit at the time looking for advice from people who left LTR and most said they were happy they did. Well i want to caution anyone who is in a similar position and reads my post. PLEASE do your best to work on things together before leaving. Please have a sit down conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling multiple times, and ask him to meet you and do therapy together. Please do some sex education and have the courage to share it with your partner. Be 100% sure, together, splitting up is the right thing before you go. Don’t run away. Don’t make a hasty decision. Don’t be afraid of commitment!
Trust me, leaving the way I did will likely haunt you for the rest of your life. Try everything. Do not give up.
One other thing. I wish I understood at the time that love/romance is not the only important thing in a marriage. Best friendship, respect and trust, being on the same page about finances, sharing a family, and holding each other through the ups and downs of life is the main foundation of marriage. I freaked out about the commitment of marriage due to “lack of love.” But the truth is I loved my partner so much and he was my best friend. I wish I had to foresight to understand those other qualities that make up the foundation of a marriage and how chasing love instead would creat lifelong consequences.
I am now 33, single, afraid I’ll end up alone without a family. Lost most of my friends, and realizing even if I get married no one important in my life will really know my partner and he won’t know mine. My wedding and future look extremely different than how I imagined. It is devastating and I am drowning in regret.
I hope this helps someone. Good luck out there.
Edit to add
Wow I had no idea how much attention this post would get. I so appreciate everyone’s intel and perspectives on all sides of the discussion.
One thing that might help add some color to this:
I was deeply depressed during Covid. Like crying all the time, unable to get out of bed. Also extremely burnt out at work. I ended up taking leave of absence and went solo traveling in an effort to heal and work on myself, which my partner was totally supportive of. I got better during that time. So I started to associate happiness with: travel, vacation destinations, not working, and being alone. And associated depression with: being in my partnership, working, my apartment, and my city. Everyone says don’t make big life changes after perspective-changing experiences, ie long term travel, but I did not listen. I never exactly landed from that experience until recently, realizing I left my entire life behind and have been running away from my problems and continuing to be depressed for a long time.