I am not the original poster. The OP is /u/UnexpectedWidow and these posts were made in the last 2 weeks, with the last update being just a few hours old.

I've also included some comment exchanges that add context, and some that add a little brevity to this miserable situation OOP finds themselves in. Any comments not in italics are replies from OOP from this point onward.

AmItheAsshole

My (22F) husband (25M) died. I’m currently waiting for his ashes in the mail and I’m absolutely a mess. We were married for less than a year before he unexpectedly passed away. I made this burner to help me with the grieving process, but I don’t know how to start.

We never fully prepared for this, but he did talk about how he wanted to be cremated. He mentioned before that he’d like some of his ashes to be spread where he proposed to me.

I plan on keeping some, giving some to his parents and sibling, and then spreading some at the waterfall he proposed. The ones I’m keeping for myself, I planned on keeping hidden in the closet until I’m ready for anything else really. I have a lot of trauma surrounding death, specifically remains. I saw a lot of death in the last few years, so the bodies terrify me. It’s all overwhelming.

I told his mom (51F) what I planned to do and she absolutely flipped out. She told me that if I was just going to shove him out of sight, that she should just take them all. And maybe she’s right, he does deserve better. He had some issues with his family before, especially when we got married. His mom made quite a few comments about me and he had very limited contact with her. So I don’t know what to think about her comments on the ashes.

Maybe she is right, that he deserves better than being stored away to collect dust. The issue is I don’t think I’d ever get any of his ashes back when I was ready for them. I don’t think she would give them to me. She opposed us dating, us getting engaged, and us getting married. She opposed me taking him off life support and donating his organs. And she opposed the entire funeral vocally. During visitation before his funeral, she was very loud about suggesting what she would do differently. I can’t tell if she’s just in shock honestly, I don’t know what’s happening. I was only going to give her the portion I originally planned up until her other comments.

When being angry about the ashes, she called me to try and convince me to give them to her. I wasn’t really wanting to listen to her, so I told her I couldn’t talk. She immediately started telling me that I only knew him for a fraction of his life, she gave birth to him. She said she’s entitled to his remains and that I’ll probably just get married in a few years anyway. I’m hurt, but what if she’s right? Should I just give them all to her?

WIBTA if I didn’t give them all to her? Even if he would be in a closet until I’m ready?

Absolute NTA. Keep some for you to remember him by. You are his wife, you are entitled to a portion of his ashes. Also I'm sorry for your loss. Hope it gets better.

She told me yesterday that she deserves more of the ashes because she spent more of his life with him. And she is right, but also I don’t know if that’s what my husband would want.

As a wife and mother I'm going to say NAH. I am so sorry for your loss, and you have the right to process this however you like. But stop and think. From your perspective, no your MIL's behavior has not been ideal. But with respect, you are 22 years old and you did not know your husband nearly as well as she did. And from the perspective of "old people" like her and me, that would be a tough pill to swallow, having a very young, recently acquired spouse making major decisions for a beloved child. That was her son. When you are older and have children of your own, you may empathize with her more, and you may realize that having a legal partnership with someone supersedes but does not obliterate existing relationships. He had only just begun to pull away from his family to build his own. That usually takes years; it isn't a binary event that happens when you say "I do." You want her to make allowances for your grief; you should show her the same courtesy.

I don't think your plan is disrespectful per se, but I do think it is an avoidance tactic. It is pretty common for people to repress grief instead of going through the hard work of dealing with it, and I would not be surprised if those ashes sat in the closet indefinitely. That would be disrespectful to your husband's memory. You don't have to have a deadline or timetable, but get yourself some therapy and make a plan.

Frankly, I see where you’re coming from. I would graciously accept your point of view, but there are a few things here. This wasn’t him suddenly pulling away from his mother. There was a pattern of behavior that made him limit contact with her before he met me. There was a lot of things that happened when he was a child that made him not feel close to her. This wasn’t sudden. He tried to work on their relationship, but essentially limited contact once her comments about me didn’t stop. So I would respect your opinion, and in a way I do. Maybe I didn’t convey the relationship they had, but it certainly wasn’t a good one. He still loved her, he still wanted his mother. I want her to have him, I wanted a relationship with her when we began dating. As for the comment about his ashes, you don’t know me. As I’ve said, I plan on eventually doing something with them, I’m just not sure what. I plan on taking a portion and spreading them as he requested. The others, I’m not sure. I don’t want them in the closet forever. Assuming that just because I’m having issues now feels very abrasive.

[…] I don't think your MIL has legal rights to the ashes. It depends on your state/country. In some states, the ashes belong to the person who filled out the death certificate. In other states, the cremated remains go to the spouse. You should look up the laws in your state/country to who has legal rights to the remains. […]

The funeral home told me legally that I have the rights to the ashes.

If i were you I'd be concerned she'd go snooping around for his ashes if she ever came over and steal them, would you consider having his ashes turned into jewlery or something less obvious?

She has threatened to, yes. She is texting my SIL (who is staying with me) and begging her to get me out of the house after the ashes arrive so she can take them. Just found this out an hour ago when she got the text.

If he wants all of him to be spread then you should do that. Keeping "some" of him sounds disrespectful. If he was ok with you guys doing that then his mom has no say.

When we discussed it while we were engaged, he never said all. He said (word for word) “take some of my ashes and spread them at the waterfall. Then snort the rest, or don’t do that, that’s weird” and we made a joke out of it.

I’m a widow at 22. – 01/07 – /r/widowers

My husband died unexpectedly a week and a half ago. You hear in movies about how it’s like every day you wake up and for a second you think it’s some bad dream you had. I don’t think I fully grasped that concept until I woke up day after day and he wasn’t there.

I can’t sleep in my bed anymore, so I’ve been sleeping on the couch. I can barely stand that. Everything around me reminds me of him. The house was even his, I moved in with him. I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know how to grieve.

MIL making life an even hotter hell after my husband died. – 01/07 – /r/JUSTNOMIL

CONTENT WARNING: death, mentions of abuse.

I posted about this in another sub and someone linked here. I’m glad they did because honestly now I’m just angry.

Edit: I can’t fully cut contact until I get my SIL moved in here. She would absolutely take it out on my SIL and ruin her things, I refuse to let that happen. We’re planning on getting her stuff while my MIL is out with a friend for a few hours and then getting tf out of there. My husband’s friend group is also helping us.

My (22F) husband (25M) died a week and a half ago. We were married for less than a year. My MIL (51F) was fucking horrible the entire time.

The backstory before the whole fucking ordeal this week. My husband didn’t have a relationship with her when he moved out. He started trying again and we met shortly after. He told me everything and I was open to having a relationship with her, as I wanted to try for him. He wanted his mother, but she overstepped so many boundaries.

My husband was the golden child and his sister was the scapegoat, so that dynamic was messy. She was very inappropriate with my husband, making comments about how I’m lucky he’s so handsome, how she wished his father had been that gentle and loving. Weird shit.

When we got engaged, he expressed desire to move back to the place he grew up. I had never lived outside of the tiny town I grew up in, so I jumped on that. He got a house there, moved me in a few weeks later. It was perfect. My MIL tried desperately to ruin it. Constantly stopping by unannounced. She came by on the night of his birthday. The night. We weren’t having birthday sex yet, but clearly planned on it. She knocked for 20 minutes before spam calling us. He finally answered and they got into an argument because he wouldn’t let her in. A bunch more shit happened while we were engaged, this just gives you a fraction.

When we got married, she showed me the dress she planned on wearing. It went with our colors, it was very low key and honestly I was shocked. Anyways, the day of the wedding she showed up in a white dress. My SIL (a blessing) knew of her plan. Instead of stressing me out, she brought different dresses for my MIL and “accidentally” spilled makeup on her white dress. It caused a lot of issues for her after, but I will never forget that act of kindness.

Anyways, my husband died. A sudden and traumatic death. He was declared brain dead, I chose to have his organs donated. She pitched a fit the entire time. She claimed that her baby was being “murdered” by his wife. That there’s a chance medicine can save him one day. That his “body was being ripped apart” and called the people receiving transplants selfish. Fucking wild.

As I planned his funeral, I tried to consult her. I tried to be kind and help her grieve as well. Ultimately I had rights to plan the funeral. Everything she wanted, I know my husband would’ve hated. She didn’t want him cremated, he wanted to be. She tried to pick out a casket with frills and flowers and just very gaudy, he would have laughed. Ultimately I chose to respect his wishes and have him cremated.

During his funeral visitation, as we were standing up at the front talking to people in line, her comments were fucking unbearable. Any time someone came through, specifically her friends, she made a point to tell them that she didn’t pick anything. She criticized the flowers, the photos. She made snide remarks as my brother (he was very close to my husband) spoke at the funeral. I still wasn’t burned from her, she was grieving and I wanted to help her.

I planned to split the ashes. Me, both of his parents (they’re separated), his sister. I would be taking some of my portion and scattering them at the place he proposed. We didn’t have any death plans, but he mentioned it once before we got married. The portion I would have left, I’m not prepared to confront yet. I have trauma surrounding death, specifically the remains (mostly bodies). I’m not prepared to have them displayed, but eventually I want to. She asked what my plans were and I let her know. Scatter some, keep some until I’m ready to display. That was a mistake. My act of grief support was a mistake.

She’s harassed me relentlessly since. She’s claiming that she deserves all the ashes. She raised him, she knew him longer, she deserves them all. MIL claims that I’ll get “a portion” when I’m “mentally stable again” and makes shitty comments. Fuck her. I refused, I was his wife, I had the say. Since his funeral, my SIL has been staying with me. MIL has come by at 6 in the morning, demanding I let her know when the ashes arrive. She calls her daughter constantly, trying to get her to secretly tell her what day they’ll arrive and get me out of the house so she can fucking come by and get them. She’s absolutely insane.

So my SIL (she’s over 18, but lived with her mom) is staying with me for as long as she wants to. I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how to deal with her and im scared this will never end.

[…] You may have to get a lawyer to send her a cease and desist letter and unfortunately possibly a restraining order if she doesn't stop. She sounds like she needs some major grief counseling. ETA: Do you have security cameras on the property? I worry that she sounds like the type that will keep escalating. Can you pick up the remains instead of having them sent? Put a password for pick up – only allowing them to be released to you?

I have a ring doorbell and security cameras in the back of my house, yeah. I’ll call the funeral home about sending them there. I know my SIL will never tell her when they arrive, mostly because she showed me the text and cried over it all. I’m just working on helping my SIL get out as well.

[…] Best advice I can give is make sure you transfer everything into your name. This specific advice was what kept my SIL from going to jail after losing her husband.

His life assurance, house, car, basically everything is going to me. When we got married he made sure to take care of that, it was something he was dead serious about. He didn’t want his mom to dispute anything, so it’s all now going to me. I have a lawyer just in case she tries any shit.

It’s one of those things you hope eventually calms down and dies out on its own but then again, you can’t trust the silence. It probably wouldn’t hurt to get a paper trail on the situation, though, in the event she just keeps ramping up the insanity. Maybe not a RO per se, but a report with LE to have that history recorded in the event you one day are pushed to get a RO. Im the type who likes having a trail just in case because I trust no one.

I have recordings of some of the calls and of her unannounced arrivals. As well as screenshots of the shit she’s said to me

I would totally put some decoy ashes in a bag (make the ashes out of whatever you want, the more disrespectful the better) then just let her think she "stole them back" by casually leaving them somewhere for her to find. She will grab them and DISAPPEAR from your life forever…

Fuck it, might look into decoy ashes.

I am not on Team Fake Ashes. That's a lot of work, they are not easy to fake, and you know that if she ever figures it out she will go ballistic again. It's not a sure way to get rid of her. It's the kind of thing that is fun for us Redditors, who are not in the middle of the situation, to fantasize about. But it could be mega stressful in real life. Your husband would want you to do what you are comfortable with, what is easiest for you. I'd say to do as you planned, but get the ashes out of town first, then get her portion to her (that's a little bit of work, but it's what you said you would do). Or don't give her any at all. That's no work, but will get you a bigger explosion, probably. A good option if you are safely away from her. The "fake" option is work plus a uncertainty; the worst of all, I think.

After reading comments and debating today, I’ve come to the (not totally set) conclusion that I do not want my husband’s ashes to be with her. She made his life hell, I don’t want him resting with her. He deserves peace. I understand it’s not actually him, it’s his ashes. But symbolically, I can’t do that to him. I can’t put him with the woman who caused him so much pain.

I need to catch my MIL stealing from me. Is it illegal? – 02/07 – /r/legaladvice

I’m in an intense situation. To start, I live in Oregon. My husband passed away a week and a half ago. His mother is actively trying to make my life worse. She has been harassing me, showing up to my home, calling me, and trying to emotionally abuse me.

I tried to be nice to her after he passed. I tried to involve her, but she has pushed me. She has made comments about my mental health, she has bullied me publicly, and keeps telling me that I killed him (I took him off life support). I’m very overwhelmed.

My husband’s sister is currently staying with me, a way for her to escape her mother. My SIL has been getting texts from my MIL that are worrying me. My MIL is demanding to know when his ashes arrive so she can get them while I’m out of the house. I saw the text this morning, my SIL ran to me crying.

My MIL doesn’t want me to have his remains, she thinks she deserves them since I was married to him for less than a year. I don’t want my husband’s abuser to have his remains.

My husband had security cameras set up when he moved in. Front door, back yard, living room. I’m able to lock anything valuable upstairs to where she would quite literally have to use a tool to break a door down.

Is it illegal if I leave fake ashes or a fake urn in my home to catch her breaking in? Is it something I’m able to use as proof for a restraining order?

Please refrain from any “grieving widow” comments, I’m fully aware I’m not fully mentally stable. I have a lawyer, I have legal rights to the remains. I don’t have to share with her if I do not want to. I’m worried if I don’t preemptively do this, she will actually break into my house while I’m gone. She’s threatened to do it.

The comments here seem to be missing the actual rules about estates and ashes, and how this process works legally. First of all, the most important question to ask is whether your husband had a will, and if so who is the executor/trustee. The estate executor has complete power over disposing over the deceased's remains, so it is entirely irrelevant whether your MIL "thinks" she deserves them. If you are the executor, you apply for your appointment and take control of the estate. You should probably get an estates lawyer for this ASAP. If at any points she enters your home or takes anything, it is criminal trespassing and theft and you contact the police. If you want to put fake ashes in your own home that is fine, you just can't leave any dangerous boobytraps that could cause harm. Change the locks, and inform her via written communication that she is not allowed to enter your home or take anything and you will contact the authorities if she does.

This is the comment I needed, thank you. The funeral home informed me that I was the legal owner of his remains and my lawyer and I are working out the paper work of getting his home and car in my name. I frankly am in over my head, he took care of a lot of the finances. I wouldn’t booby trap it, I just want proof of her being there. She’s been made aware she isn’t welcome in texts and I have it on recording. I talked through my doorbell when she was constantly ringing it one day. So she’s aware she’s not welcome and I will call the police.

OP, please stop engaging in your MIL's insanity. If your SIL is living with you to get away from her, ask her to block her. You deserve peace and to mourn without having to worry about urns and police and locks and restraining orders. […]

I can’t cut her out considering my SIL’s things are still at her house. I’ve tried, but she relentlessly has harassed us. I’ve not lost sight of anything.

Didn’t think she could go any lower, but now she’s a fool. – 03/07 – /r/JUSTNOMIL

I feel like my post here the other day got attention. Fuck it, I’m calling my MIL Becky. I fucking hate that bitch.

Anyways, earlier I had errands to run. My husband passed away and I’ve been neglecting nearly everything. I ran to the grocery store and picked up things to cook for my and my SIL while she took a nap.

I came back to a note taped on my BACK door. We always enter through the back door as it’s closer to the cars. Our front door has a ring camera and can see a tiny portion of the driveway. I take the note inside and open it.

A “confession” note from my husband’s “secret lover” and a whole graphic list of things. Confessing affairs, sex acts, weird shit. Describing the weird oval-ish birth mark on his left asscheek. Also a “don’t bother trying to look for me, you’ll never discover me” at the end which I’m CACKLING at.

The thing is, I know my husband never cheated on me. I know there was no affair. How did this “mysterious lover” know about his birthmark?

It was the woman who wiped his ass as a child.

This bitch really is trying to get me to hate my dead husband so I give her his fucking ashes. The ring camera shows her bright ass red car, the back yard camera showed her putting a note in before ripping a giant fucking fart. I’m actually cackling.

So anyways, I’m headed to talk to my lawyer on Monday about getting a restraining order. She’s been told multiple times she’s not allowed on my property. She’s just making my life easier if anything.

Keep the letter and the video, because I can SEE a judge's face upon learning that she wrote this about her own son so she could possess his ashes. She just handed you a pie cannon.

I really hope they hear the fart. It’s my favorite part tbh.

You already downloaded the video to your computer, right? And then copied it into a flash drive? And maybe uploaded it to the cloud or google drive? This video needs to make sure it never disappears, lol. That's amazing. What a fucking PSYCHO!!!!!

I’ve sent it to my entire family, my SIL, and some of my friends. So yeah, the video isn’t going anywhere. Thinking of emailing her sisters the video as well as a photo of what it says.

I'm not saying you should give her the ashes but I feel like there are a lot? like if she wasn't an awful person why can't you both have ashes? just pour some in a different jar? again I'm not saying you should or have to do this as it seems she is crazy and very selfish. like should have been nicer to you if the ashes ment that much not try and manipulate your relationship with your husband

I was originally planning on it. After reading hundreds of comments and contemplating with my husband’s sister and his closest friends, I’ve decided no. She will not be getting his ashes. Unfortunately my husband was abused by her and spent most of his life in torment. I’m not going to give his remains to the woman who hurt him and is continuing to hurt his wife and family. I’m going to let him rest peacefully.

My life keeps getting worse – 05/07 – /r/widowers

I’m having issues with my dead husband’s mom. I’m constantly paranoid. He fucking died and I’m a 22 year old widow. He’s gone. Just gone forever.

My period is late and I don’t know if it’s from stress. I can’t make myself take a test because I don’t want to know the answer. I don’t want to know if I am or not I just want to forget about everything for a long time and wake up one day and be okay.

It’s been a while. Back with an update. – 13/07 – /r/JUSTNOMIL

So it happened. My SIL moved in. I got my husband’s ashes. And I have an order of protection against my MIL. I’m still working out the hairy details, but I’m ready to start healing.

Becky, my MIL, made an attempt to break into my house. She had been stalking me and driving by my house. I picked up the ashes from the funeral home days before. Did you know USPS gives out cremated remains boxes?

Anyways. My SIL took my car to run errands. I set the box (stuffed with things to make it weigh more) and sat it on my front porch. Like clockwork. She pulled in, I got the alert on my telephone, and I watched as she celebrated a victory and grabbed the box. Went back to her car. Here’s where she opened it and saw that it was useless junk instead of ashes. So Becky had the bright idea of trying to sneak in the back door since she thought I was gone. I called the cops and they arrived as she was snooping in my living room.

It’s mostly a blur. Watching her get arrested. I immediately was granted an order of protection from her. She’s now out on bail. I won’t go into hard specifics about the charges and the court date as to grant myself and my family some privacy. My neighbors are actually very good friends of mine and they’ve been helping me keep an eye out.

So far my MIL’s boyfriend has driven by (can’t prove it’s him, but I suspect). My neighbor was in my house cooking and cleaning for me while I napped. Her husband was doing yard work for me. A man in Becky’s car drove by very slow a few times. Neighbors called the cops, but there was nothing they could do to prove it was him.

So I’m just exhausted. I’m glad this fucked up situation is coming to an end. I just want to start grieving properly.

[…] I do have a question, did you ever take that pregnancy test? I know you're stressed and can barely deal, and really it's likely late due to stress. But isn't it better to know than to not know? Maybe that's just me though.

I have not. Still no period.

I am not the original poster. The OP is /u/UnexpectedWidow and these posts were made in the last 2 weeks.