I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Empty_Researcher_348. She posted in r/TrueOffMyChest and r/legaladvice
Trigger Warning: std; infidelity; harassment;
Mood Spoiler: sad and frustrating
Original Post: October 23, 2023 (deleted by mods of TOMC, preserved on OOP's page)
My husband has ruined both our lives by asking me to double up his lunch serving for work.
My husband has ruined both our lives by asking me to double up his lunch serving for work.
I’m on a throw away because I still haven’t fully decided on divorce but I’m 95% sure on it. Me f26 and My husband m25 and I have been married for almost two years and have a 6month old baby.
I work part time only to supplement our earnings and to pay for the legal process of getting him documented. We are very fortunate that it seems it may be an easy process of maybe 2 years max for his residency but now I’m going to cancel everything and ask for a divorce.
My routine used to be I wake up 1.5hours before him in the morning and make him lunch and pack everything for him for work and have his breakfast coffee and clothes ready for him to wake up, eat get dressed and head out with in 30mins.
He used to be satisfied with what I packed him of freshly made chicken in either honey buffalo, lemon pepper and salad or some sort of chicken wraps ect. Pure healthy food. I did this because I wanted to make his life easier and show him I cared and love him and I’ve done this since we first moved in together more then 3 years ago.
Well recently I’ve had to start including dinner leftovers because he started asking for more food that he was still hungry afterwords, which I thought it was odd because no matter if I work or not he always comes homes to prepared food so even if he wasn’t full he would be okay. But I explained it off with maybe he’s bulking or something.
So I started including what I normally take to work which has caused me to either go without lunch and having to wait til after work or be late for work because I have to wait till the food is ready and take some because I’m breastfeeding and can’t miss eating every time(I’ll leave food going such as in a crockpot or low heat depending how long after I leave he gets home) Well last week when I was packing his lunch I found a unrecognized second fork in his lunchbox and was thrown off so I asked and he said he found it in the kitchen of his work and brought it home. (Odd why didn’t he just leave it?) I had noticed small changes in him that I gaslighted myself into I’m being insecure because I just had a baby but this made the pit of my stomach churn.
So a few days later I decided to go to his work during lunch to “surprise him” with dessert 🍮 and for him to see the baby. Well that was when I found out why he wanted more food. His coworker he told me no longer worked there, who I’d caught him talking too friendly to and I told him it bothered me and I had him remove from everything and block on whatsapp not only still worked there but was eating the lunch I freshly prepared for HIM and he was eating the leftovers.
I didn’t cause a scene instead took pictures and added to my folder of everything he’s done before from simple hearting other girls stories after telling me he didn’t to naked pictures of a coworker from a previous job he got fired from because of her.
I drove home crying to packed my things when I got home I took the bassinet and anything I’d need for the baby and my essentials and went to my sisters and BILs and told them everything and even showed him our conversations from WhatsApp where he told me she no longer worked there.
I normally text him through the day so he started texting me and calling me to see if I was okay and what was for dinner? He was almost off is everything okay? And then he got to the house a hour earlier than usual (which also has me question if he’s been lying about what time he gets off too) and saw mine and the babies things gone. And my letter that he had 7 days to leave my house (my mom gave it to me when I was 20) and that he can communicate with my mother to see the baby when I’m at work or whenever he wants to see her just let her know and I’ll drop off the baby with her. I for the time being don’t want anything to do with him. And I left the printed fotos of them eating lunch laughing together under the letter.
Later that night when I decided I no longer wanted anything to do with him I informed the lawyer (we had a group WhatsApp chat with me him, the lawyer, paralegal and my BIL (our cosponser)) that I no longer was going to need his services. And then messaged the lawyer privately to ask if I could maybe move our contract and the money I’ve paid so far over to his divorce and family practice. He said unfortunately no there’s some clause or something that if we decide to no longer pursue the case we lose the money we’ve invested and also that his immigration practice is a partnership with different people then his family one. But he will just leave our case open till we get a response for our next appointment from the government and if we haven’t worked things out by then, then he will cancel everything.
Well this cause him to go insane because now if he doesn’t get papers he has to choose between his daughter and parents. To either hazard never seeing his parents and family again or never seeing his daughter again if he goes over there. He’s begging me to the point I blocked him on everything, he’s came to my BIL house and been told to leave or we are calling police then he later came back drunk with his buddies who then were all scared off by my BIL and his shotgun. I feel so lost, broken and depressed. I also have security at work to make sure he doesn’t show up at my office. My sister tells me to leave him but not to divorce so he can never get with anyone else and get papers but I can’t do that to him.
Ive gone back home (only to check on the house and see if he’s gone im still staying with my sister) and surprisingly there’s no damage to anything and his things (only) are gone. So at least I feel a little relief in that. I’m not looking for advice I know I’m not going back, there is no longer any trust, my mental health wouldn’t be safe in that relationship, and I know I can’t have my daughter grow up with that kind of relationship being an example.
I just needed to put this out there in order for it to solidify in my brain and to be able to reflect that this is now a pattern and he’s gone beyond disrespecting me by now also making me make HER food. I’ve been budgeting trying to make things last, sometimes eating less then I want to or skipping meals if possible (if a meal was heavier of carbs I’d skip since I should have enough for my milk supply) all to be able to pay bills, lawyer his gym membership and supplements. I lose out on rest and sleep because I ensure laundry and the house is kept spotless while the baby sleeps. I’ve basically gone from an independent educated career woman to a 1950s house wife with a job and school, all because I blindly fell for this man. When I say I feel stupid that’s an understatement.
Anyhow TLDR: my husband had me (his breastfeeding wife) skipping meals and going out of my way to make him an extra lunch for his side chick at work. And now I have the house cars and he’s lost his nuclear family and ability to get a green card to be able to stay in the states and/or see his family in Mexico ever again.
Edit: My telephone seems to post it without paragraphs no matter what I do but I promise i tried to format it even though I was an emotional mess. This time I double spaced the paragraphs to see if that helps idk if it’s my telephone or what.
Some things I want to clarify I’ve been seeing in the comments.
No my sister isn’t pushing me to stay in a relationship with him, she’s telling me not to divorce him so that he can’t just go find another woman to marry and use for the green card.
No im not taking anything from him that wasn’t mine before we got married. Before me he lived in a house with 7other men sharing a bedroom with a bunk bed, and he drove a 2000 Buick he had to unplug from the battery in order to use it again. That car got scrapped after the electrical when out. The car he is using is my car I got in high school that got me through high school part time /seasonal jobs and community college.
Also my mom isn’t dead, she gave me my childhood home because I was going to college and it’s 10minute commute from the college. She gave it to me because I’m the last of the kids all my brothers and sisters are at least 10 years older and aside from my sister who’s helping me, they all live in different states.
He left home with a motorcycle his customizing, his gaming systems, clothes and the guest bedroom tv which was the only tv that was not mounted.
Also I’m not keeping his daughter from him. I just personally don’t want to see him because I know he will try to give me a ton of excuses and try to make me “understand” him. He can speak to my sister or mom and they will supervise him to see his daughter whenever he wants to. There is no battle in that. I don’t think he’s a bad father but I just don’t think my relationship with him is the example I want to give my daughter.
Yes, I am Mexican too, my dad came to the states and then later brought my mom and 2 brothers 2 sisters. Took a decade to see each other again which is why I’m so apart from my siblings and the only one born here.
Relevant Comments:
"I’ve been told by my sister to inform everyone that this was my first actual long term relationship. She says that may give people a clue as too why I was so naive.
It was also very early in the relationship and we weren’t living together yet. I met him when I was traveling around to local jobs where it was known immigrants worked to post and inform them of local resources to help them with medical assurance, free clinics and ESL programs for children and adults. I was working for a seasonal daycare program for agriculture workers."
How are you going without food if you both work and own your own home?
"He makes below minimum wage due to undocumentation, I work part time minimum wage because I can’t be away from the baby due to breastfeeding. He also sends money to provide for his parents and younger siblings"
Why did putting more food in his lunch cause budgeting issues?
"Yes, I was budgeting in order to be able to save money for the lawyer expenditures but now that I look back it was basically him paying bills and pocketing the left over for gym and supplements plus tools/paints and whatever while my paycheck was going to groceries, his family in Mexico and diapers.
And yes, I feel really stupid, naive and blind"
What would get you more child support- him getting a green card and permanent job here or not? Basically when should you divorce?
"This may be the numbness in me talking at the moment but I don’t need his money he can contribute by buying her diapers clothes and whatever necessities. Now that I’m not catering to him I can leave my part time paper pushing job and find a good daycare for my daughter go back to teaching.
I might also just sell my second car and lower my car payment. Full time job and one less person in my home also means lower utilities since it’s less utilities being used at home. No home loan, no stupid expenditures on random gym crap/ $40 membership, just protein creatines and supplements was at least $150 a month not to mention whatever he was doing to that junk motorcycle.
My sister and mom have talked me through finances and my BIL said I could honestly keep my part time job get on government benefits and spend more time with my daughter but I think mentally I need to go back to teaching, and feel the independence of being self reliant again. Food stamps feels like it’s just one thing he will throw in my face. Idk if I’m trying to hold on to what little bit of pride I have left or it’s just the anger I have inside that I wanna show him and his chick I am better without him."
"If I continue with the process I’ll be legally and financially responsible for him for years to come. Supervised visits is due to him never being more the. 3 hours (aka one bottle fed) alone with the baby. Also the fear of him taking my child to another country now that he’s loss everything here and he may just decide to go to Mexico a place where he can’t come back unless he risks his life again, is very real."
The other woman:
"Idk she doesn’t have anything to offer she doesn’t have a legal status either because she overstayed her visa to my understanding from a coworker of his I went to school with. According to her that woman is younger, no legal status or education, no English and she’s already gotten in trouble for being inappropriate in the work place before and if there is proof that they are being inappropriate that will be a strike against him and firing against her. Apparently she likes to call herself “one of the guys” because she’s a woman who works in a male dominated job and degrades women making jokes with the men."
Update Post: November 9, 2023 (almost 3 weeks later)
Sorry it’s been a while since I updated anyone, I’ve been busy sorting out my life and this was supposed to be a throwaway so I didn’t expect it to blow the way it did much less anyone to actually want updates.
-I guess I’ll start with the most asked question which was if I left him?
Yes, I also got a full check up and I indeed had an infection I was lucky I could treat and be good without any further issues.
This also confirmed his unfaithfulness because as I mentioned I had a baby not long ago and during the whole pregnancy they checked me for everything and they had done a full panel when I was 3months postpartum because I got a UTI and my doctor wanted to ensure it was only that.
-Did I talk to him to get his side of the story?
Yes, when I went to tell him about the infection I allowed him to speak his mind about everything I only asked him for the truth as there wasn’t anything else for him to ruin, it was completely over at this point.
And here’s a basic tldr:
• He never meant to hurt me, he loves his daughter and me •he enjoyed the attention it was something new and exciting •it took his mind off the stress of bills, kid, my “emotional” state and the general routine his life •life had gotten boring and she entertained him (I’m sorry that your wife organized your previously chaotic life)
That’s about what I believed to be true out of the couple of hours of begging, excuses, gaslighting, and even blaming.
The rest was:
•The infection is a common one that happens because of cow 💩 everywhere and because he goes out and pees outside without washing his hands or something 🙄
•She doesn’t like men she was just one of the guys (cmon really??)
•I only gave her lunch that day! It was just the one time that she forgot her lunch and she asked me because she saw I had two lunches 🙄
•He would never stand so low to break his family why would I make such assumptions (oh so you knew what you were doing)
Once I showed him my MyChart with my results and explained how it’s not a normal infection like ecoli that you can get because of poop and it was an actual transmissible infection.
I also explained that I hadn’t slept with anyone since we met! And how my doctor explained that if I would have had any kind of transmissible diseases I would have known during my pregnancy because not only is it common practice to test for all risks but my high hazard pregnancy and preterm labor she tested for all kinds of things to see if she could find the cause of issues and afterword to find the cause of preterm labor.
He admitted it shortly after that he listened to me and saw my drs note (I’ll add I have the best obgyn and she was amazing in listening to me and allowing me to cry and gave me not only support during that moment with even having a nurse take my daughter out for me to cry but also printed me information and ensured me that a simple medicine will make it all go away and I should not see any more issues)
Anyhow
He’s staying at the dairy at some trailer the owner let him borrow and for those who thought she would take him in turns out she’s engaged and she is about to start her wedding and do a adjustment of status (get her papers)
Anyways I’m back to living on my own, my baby is doing great, I have another office job lined up for January, and I have a few universities I’ve applied to, I’m currently going to community college online but if I get into a uni I think I’ll move out of this town, my grandma said she would move with me to help me.
Some days are long like today it’s late at night and I can’t sleep because I miss him. But I’ve been entertaining myself getting rid of stuff in my home to start a new slate and organize everything.
I won’t lie and say I’m doing great. On my days off I don’t get out of bed. My house is clean but my bedroom has my laundry basket over full and I brought out the guest blankets and pillows to use.
People at work have noticed a slowed pace in my work and I was offered time off but I denied it. Although now that somehow the rumor of what happened has reach my job I may take it.
Thank you for all the support everyone. Although I had a few people call me names and talk badly to me in my messages, I appreciate the other people who commented nice things and showed me support.
……………………….
Edit for update:
Woke up to husbands call, he apologized again. I’m Still not budging, but he told me he was talking to some guys at work about free clinics or where they go when their sick and turns out that same woman has been sleeping with a few from there. Idk if around the same time but one of them told my husband where to get treated for free because he got it from her too.
In his apology which sounded more sincere this time but I believe it’s worse because it’s only after he realized he wasn’t special to her just another one of the guys she slept with.
But I say sincere because he didn’t have many excuses instead he seemed to hold himself accountable by saying he had won the lottery and messed up. He begged for a second chance because he doesn’t know what came over him. He says he hates coming home to an empty trailer he misses seeing his daughter the moment after work.
What choked me up was when he said he used to feel more exhausted when he used to come home to us because the baby would be excited to see him and would cry to be held by him, and during the week I would often leave the same easy meals made for him so he could eat while I left to work and he started to feel tired of it. It was a boring routine of same foods during the week. Coming home and having to watch the baby so I could go to work.
That solidified to me that I don’t ever want to find another relationship much less go back to him. The routine I worked hard to put my family together, was a chore to him. I literally dealt with a fussy tired child til he got home so she would mostly sleep and he would only need a single bottle for her but even that was too hard.
He said he would give up the world just to be back into his routine because now he comes home to an empty trailer where it’s just a bed and a fold out table. He hasn’t eaten his diet because he doesn’t have time to prep. He started spending money on lunch because he doesn’t have food made for him. He says he misses the baby so much that he now cries when he goes home.
I told him idk what to tell him about that, but if wanted to see the baby when I go to work he can go see her at my moms who now’s babysits for me. Knowing my mom she makes food and she would never deny him food so he can go over there and eat and be with the baby after work. But I had to go I couldn’t talked anymore.
When I tell yall I’ve never cried so hard in my life, it’s an understatement. It doesn’t help it’s raining today. I think I’m calling into work today and tomorrow talking to my boss about taking those days.
……..
Edit: November 10 (Same Post)
I was logging off for a while but I figured I’d update everyone to let you know she found my home and started harassing me now. I guess somehow her fiancée found out and she thinks it was because of me. I feel like things are just going from bad to worse. I had to leave my car in my moms garage and borrow my nephews car which my neighbor let me park in her driveway because she threatened to ruin my car like “I ruined her relationship”, which isn’t just hypothetical but also ironic.
Relevant Comments:
What have you decided regarding legal aspects of this (ie green card)?
"I don’t want to make any legal decisions at the moment. I’m barely getting through leaving him, I don’t want to also put on too being responsible for my daughter to lose her dad. Because of his stupidity"
Someone cautions her to not overly listen to reddit here, because this is a decision with huge ramifications. She should just do what feels right for her and her child:
"I feel like there’s no way out without severe damage. I feel like I’m in that bridge game from squid games except all tiles break at any decision just some have lesser consequences than the others.
I currently don’t want to make ANY decisions because I feel safe in limbo atm because even though my logical reasoning understands if he gets deported it’s going to be from his decision my emotional reasoning feels responsible for it. I don’t want him back the betrayal and his dishonesty has broken any trust I could ever have and I don’t think it would be good for my mental health to continue a relationship like that.
I grew up seeing my mom always asking and wondering if my step was cheating or not to the point my mom neglected us because she was so busy ensuring her husband wasn’t cheating. It turned a once loving caring involved mother into a toxic person who would take her daughters out at 3 am to go to shady neighborhoods to see if her husbands car was outside someone’s house.
I don’t want that for myself or daughter. I saw cheating ruin my mother without her ever being unfaithful, I seen it destroy my sisters first engagement , I have seen my brothers bleed from aggressive cheating women who attack them for wanting to take their kids from toxic environments with drugs and other men.
Cheating is something I don’t want ANY involvement in and I’ve seen what it does to people. But I also have that responsibility that I want my daughter to have her dad. So in the meantime I am having that distance because I KNOW what is better for her and I am trying my best to stick to the logical conclusion not the emotional one.
No matter how much I miss him, but I tell myself I don’t miss this person talking to me. I miss the person who made me feel safe, loved and cared for. And even then I’m starting to look back and realize a lot of it was me in a delusional state thinking that him hugging me when I asked, me going to him for kisses, me cuddling to him, was all love. I felt safe with him not because he made me feel safe but because I thought i was. But looking back it’s embarrassing to say I was the one who did a lot of the instigating of affection.
Maybe some of the people who messaged me saying I was I was psycho were on to something. I’m starting to feel like maybe I was in some delusional state and he was just using me."
Legal Advice Post: November 10, 2023 (Same day as the edit in update post)
My husband cheated on me and the woman who he cheated with is now harassing me. Ig she was engaged and was about to go from a visa to residency because of her fiancée but somehow he found out about her relationship with my husband.
She believes it was me but I don’t know who her partner is/was or who told him yet since like 4pm today she’s done the following:
•punctured a hole in one of my tires
•wrote on my front bay window “home wrecker”
• keeps calling me from different numbers and now I’m starting to receive spam text messages after I blocked all of her numbers and stopped answering random numbers
•threaten “I’ll ruin your car like you ruined my relationship ####”
This is all since this afternoon. I called the police but by the time they showed up she was gone. And they said I had no prove of what’s she doing so unless they find her doing it or I have prove their hands are tied.
My mom and step dad said they will put up cameras in my home and my mom is keeping my car at her home. They want me to stay with them too but I don’t want to leave my home incase she tries something against it.
The most I was able to get is a police officer patrolling the area. Meaning they will be close by and randomly pass by.
I’m not sure what to do, I don’t even know who her partner is and I’m already dealing with leaving my husband and now she’s harassing me?
Any advice before it gets worse?