My husband is cheating on me with my best friend

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Present-Hope4502 in r/TrueOffMyChest

trigger warnings: Grief and Loss, Infidelity, Threats, Emotional Distress, Divorce.

mood spoilers: Betrayal, heartbreak, Emotional Healing, New Beginnings

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Feel free to scroll to the last update if you read the Original BoRU

Original Post – Mon, June 05, 2023

I’m honestly not sure where to start so I guess I’ll just start.

My husband and I have been dating since I was 19 and he was 22. We’ve been married for six years now. We have two kids and I’m six months pregnant with our third.

Two years ago I found out my dad has stage three colon cancer. My dad is my only parent as my mom passed away when I was 12. He’s my favorite human and life without him doesn’t seem as colorful. His laugh is contagious and he gives these big bear hugs that seem to make all of your broken pieces feel like they’re perfectly in place again. Whenever I’ve had a hard day he doesn’t poke and prod and just lets me vent and listens.

About five months ago we discovered the treatments aren’t working for him and in direct quote of the doctor he said “months not years.” Since then he’s gotten progressively worse and now is losing memory. He looked at the dog he got for me on my 21st birthday and said “wow that’s a nice dog, where’d you get it?”

My husband has been my absolute rock. He has been there for me holding my hand and helping me through this. He’s been so loving and attentive to both my kids and I. Don’t get me wrong, I am a mother first always. I don’t allow myself to wallow. My kids are still loved, cared for, played with, and I haven’t let my load slack around the house.

Once my dad got his updated prognosis my husband encouraged me to quit my job. About a month later we discovered we were pregnant again and I still hadn’t let go of my job, I kept holding out for some reason. After finding out I was pregnant again he ensured me it was still okay to quit my job, that honestly it would save us a small fortune on daycare costs anyways. So I did, I quit my job.

My best friend and I have been friends since diapers. Her family is like my family and vice versa. My mom and her mom grew up together. We’ve always been solid and right after my dads appointment when we found out he had so little time left I drove straight to her house and she held me while I cried for hours. If there are soulmates in friend form, she was mine. “Thick as thieves” is what my mom used to say.

This morning as I was up with my three year old (he’s sick) my husbands work alarm was going off. He has a few he sets so I turned that one off and gently woke him up, he said he was up late working so he took the morning off. Rolled over and went back to sleep. As I went to turn off the remained of his alarms I saw a text from my friend on his Lock Screen that said “I’m assuming since there hasn’t been an angry pregnant lady on my doorstep you haven’t told her about us yet?”

Time froze in that moment. I took his telephone and walked away and just read their conversations. Four months this man has been fucking my best friend. Four months these people have been lying to my face.

And I know what you’re going to say, you should’ve seen the warning signs. But I’ve been clutching this telephone in my hand for two hours and nothing. He has been so loving and attentive to me, but he always has been. So kind and gentle. There has been no late night work nights except for once in a blue moon, there has been no lingering touches between them or even glances. They act as they have since the day I first introduced them. How sick is it that she calls him her brother but she screws him?

I know so many people get a moment of clarity in situations like this but I have none. Aside from being sad about my dad, I haven’t changed. I’m still a loving wife and mother. I still doted on him and my children. I talk to him about how he is doing and how was his day every freaking day. I haven’t allowed the ground to swallow me whole.

I know what I have to do now, but I just don’t want to. I’m about to lose my family and my support system in one blow. I’ll confront him tomorrow. Today? Today I just need this last 24hrs of peace. As for her? I won’t give her the satisfaction of a response. I don’t care why she did it. She did it and it’s done. I was always the friend who cleaned up her messes. After today I will cut her out of my life like she never mattered at all.

This has to be the hardest storm I’ll ever weather, but damn it I know it’ll sail through it. If not for me, for my children.

 

UPDATE 1 – Tue, June 06, 2023

A small update about everything going on since my kids are now in bed for the night.

I spent the morning gathering everything I could and making a check list. I sat in my office for the better part of the morning telling my husband that I was preparing things for my dad. Not a total lie I did have to get him sorted with hospice today.

My boss would be happy to have me back, however my lawyer said pump the breaks on that idea for the time being. However my old boss did tell me that whenever I’m ready, the door is open and to just give her a call.

He does not have access to my inheritance from my father nor my mother. My lawyer ensured me in that.

I didn’t mention her in the post but my MIL is an absolute angel. I love and adore her so much and she’s always been a shoulder to lean on.

After he had gone to work for the afternoon I asked my now ex best friends mom and my MIL to meet me at my dads house. My kids were outside playing with now ex-bffs older brother. I just handed them the screenshots, saving them from the unsavory pictures and sex tape though I did tell them it existed. To say they were furious was an understatement, and they are on my side completely. Angie, my now ex-bffs mom, is ready to cut contact with her daughter completely. She kept repeating how sorry she was. We hugged and cried together. My MIL told me she couldn’t believe she raised a spineless terrible human. That no matter what happens I will always have her and as far as she’s concerned she doesn’t have a son, only a daughter.

After an in person meeting with my lawyer we went over finances, logistics, and everything you could think of. She has all of the proof and she’s out for blood.

With this post now on TikTok I don’t want him to find out by an app because one look at the story and he’d know it was about him. With permission from my lawyer. My ex bff, her mom and dad, my stbx and his parents will be having a get together tomorrow. By the time they’re sitting down and showing them everything and that I know. My dad, my kids, and my ex-bffs brother (he’s coming to help me juggle the kids and my dad, being big and pregnant doesn’t help with mobility) will be at my dads cabin a few hours away enjoying time and space.

I know a lot of people were hoping for me to get revenge or do psychological warfare but honestly after my kids went to bed I took a shower and just broke. I don’t have the strength or energy to dish anything out. I just want out. Pretending like everything was okay today was too exhausting and I just don’t want to do it.

Once he finds out tomorrow I’ll update with aftermath, as I’m sure it will be huge. As for now, thank you all so much for your kindness, warmth, and support. Truly. Your words have helped giving me the strength to keep my head above water. I appreciate every single last one of you for everything

 

UPDATE 2 – Tue, June 06, 2023

For my typing sake I’m going to give everyone (fake) names so for context

MIL & FIL: Ruth and Joe

EX-bff parents: Angie and Bob

Ex bff- Jess

STBX – Tyler

Ex bffs brother- Jake

And I’ll just refer to my dad as dad.

I have a few things I want to get through so I’ll just summarize as best as I can and if you have any questions I’ll answer in the comments.

To get this out of the way because to me it feels important. Yesterday I scheduled a same day appointment with my OBGYN and got tested for just about every STD/STI out there. I got the results for most back and they were all negative. There’s a few that take up to two weeks to get the results back for, so I’ll be waiting on those.

When I met with my lawyer I brought everything on my end financially wise, including the wills from both my dad and my mom and I managed to get my hands on his financial documents. He stores his in his office in a locked box. I also brought over everything we had set up financially for my children. While I’m not totally sure if it’s everything I am pretty confident I got most of it. My lawyer was happy I managed to get my hands on that much. Ruth even handed over her will to me from both her and Bob to ensure I was taken care of in the divorce. My lawyer understands I am wanting a divorce immediately, however she wants to make sure she is thorough and isn’t missing any key info. So hopefully I’ll have actual divorce papers to give him in about 30 days. I’m not rushing her though, I’m letting the professional do her job.

Now for the sit down. I asked Angie and Ruth to describe everything in detail on what happened. Angie, the revenge seeker that she is, forced them to sit through a SLIDE SHOW she put together of all of the texts. I know a lot of you were concerned about one of them telling them sooner than later but they were so secretive they didn’t even tell their significant others about what was happening. Once the slide show ended Tyler tried lunging for Jess and Joe actually had to force him to sit down. Tyler was shouting profanities at Jess and telling her she will “regret this”. Jess started crying and begging her parents for forgiveness. Bob looked his daughter in the eye and told her he will never forgive her for this, blood or not she is no daughter of his. He didn’t raise his daughter to be this person. Jess was always a daddy’s girl so I think that cut her pretty deep. Jess is in the middle of a divorce herself and her parents were giving her money for her lawyer and they told her she is cut off from them both financially and physically.

Tyler’s dad was irate. According to Ruth he looked like he was holding back on throttling him. From there Tyler went straight home. I know because we have a ring doorbell camera along with a few cameras in the house for our kids to keep an eye on them when we aren’t right next to them. Tyler came home and saw that most of mine and the kids stuff was gone and he lost it. Started yelling and throwing things. The house is now trashed with a few holes in the walls for decoration. When he didn’t find us there he went to my dads. While I did spend most of the day he was at work packing and moving things into my dads house, we were already at his cabin. Tyler took a baseball bat to my dads door trying, and failing, to break it down. My dads neighbor actually called the cops on him and he was arrested. His parents refuse to bail him out.

I had an appointment with my therapist today, I’ve had one for a year now since I was struggling with my dad, and it felt good to just cry it out and let everything out about how I was feeling. It was very helpful and she gave me a few tools to work through my emotions with this one. I felt very grounded and empowered leaving my session today. I’m also planning on setting up my children with a therapist when we get back from the cabin to figure out the best way to deal with telling them. I know people said I shouldn’t, but I will be telling them, just in an age appropriate way. I don’t want there to be secrets and lies between us. I’ve always been as open and honest as I can with them, again in the most kid appropriate way. Just because they’re small humans, they’re still humans and still deserve the truth.

I had a handful of comments telling me I should stay and every man cheats. I should work things out because most of our marriage was good. I refuse to believe all men cheat. My parents were married for 20 years and after my mom passed my dad never moved on. I watched my dad love my mom for 12 of those years and cherish her. I will not accept anything less than that kind of love. He never cheated nor did she. While I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to move on, falling in love is the absolute last thing on my mind at the moment, I refuse to let Tyler win and destroy love for me completely. I will move on from this.

Jess started blowing up my telephone demanding I fix this situation and immediately blaming me. My lawyer told me to not block texts just in case they spill out an additional info I was missing. She was playing the poor me card very hard. The thing is though, I never influenced Angie and Bob to cut contact with their daughter, they made that choice on their own. She actually started blaming me for stealing the love of her life, I introduced them when Tyler and I started dating so not sure where that came from, and that Tyler is only with me for the kids. Honestly, I knew she was just trying to hurt me at that point. I didn’t give her the satisfaction of responding though. Between her and Tyler I have about 200 missed calls.

Tyler went from begging and pleading me to forgive him (like I said I didn’t have divorce papers to hand him so he’s stuck in this unknown gray area. I also asked Angie and Ruth to not say anything about the divorce to him yet. Purely just for my satisfaction honestly. I know it’s slightly petty but keeping him in that gray area of not knowing is my small revenge to him) to threatening to call the cops on me for kidnapping, telling me Jess wasn’t the only one (bingo, just what I was looking for), to telling me I’m a “stuck up bitch” to threatening me, to back to begging me for forgiveness. Honestly it was just a whiplash reading those texts. I’d be lying in saying if those texts didn’t hurt me and terrify me all at once, but I refuse to let them break me.

As for both of them together, I don’t think he is going to stay with her. I think he blames her for blowing up our marriage honestly. Who knows though, they deserve each other. I was initially okay to do a 50/50 split with Tyler for custody, but after his reaction I don’t feel comfortable with that, so I’ll likely be going for full custody.

Jake has about 30 days of leave he’s saved up and he’s going to be using them to help the kids and I get settled at my dads house and honestly to be there in case Tyler tries showing up going crazy again. He’s been such a big help to the kids and I lately and I’m forever in his debt for this. Last night after the kids went to bed he hooked up his Xbox and we played a game called Diablo 4 together to help me take my mind off of things. It was fun. However, he did sort of confess that he’s always had feelings for me somewhere in the midst of things, but also told me to not say or do anything back. He understands a relationship or anything like that isn’t on my mind and won’t be for awhile (he isn’t wrong), but just that he’s felt that way since we were teenagers and just wanted to get it off his chest.

Thank you again. Seriously, your comments, your support, your messages, all of it has been one giant breath of fresh air. Just knowing I have a whole online community willing to go to bat for me has kept me treading water these last couple days. Your comments have popped in my head when I felt like just giving up on leaving him because it’s so hard and gave me so many great points and helpful advice. I know I deserve more and I can’t accept his actions. And to the people who commented relating to my situation, my heart goes out to you all. This pain is awful and I hate that so many of you can relate, but your stories have resonated deep within me. You all keep commending me for my strength and my personal favorite is telling me how proud of me you are. Every time I see those words I start to tear up (I’m blaming the pregnancy hormones), but your words have helped put me at ease so that way I could do what I knew I needed to do.

So I’ll leave this here for now. If anything of importance happens when I go back home I’ll update further. Thank you all, and I hope you have a wonderful evening.

 

Questions in the comments

hobbitbones

I'm sure many of us would like to know, have you told your lawyer that you want to go for full custody? And have you saved those messages your stbx said with threats toward you and your children? I'm sure you have since you saved screenshots of messages the first time, you've handled this really well. You've done all the right things to gather evidence and protect yourself, I'm proud of you! And I really wish the best for you and your children. <3

OOP

I forwarded everything to her as well as telling her he was arrested and she responded with “full custody?” And I agreed.

Thank you, truly so much ❤️

A comment deleted after an overwhelming number of downvotes faulted OP for taking her kids' father away from them. To this OOP replied:

I’m not taking away their father. I will not keep them from him at all. But yes, I will most likely go for full custody. Not out of bitterness or spite because I could simply never be that person. There is zero excuse for punching holes in walls, and trying to break down my dads door, threatening to unalive me, unalive our children. If he wants to see them I will allow supervised visits. Maybe in the future if he gets therapy and help for those thoughts and actions I’ll allow it. For now my mind is made up.

You may see it as running away, but I see it as taking space to comprehend what has happened to my life and allow myself breathing room. My entire future I had carved out for myself and my children has exploded right in front of my face. That deserves breathing room. And yes, I allowed others to confront what they did to me, simply because I don’t have the mental capacity. My focus is on my kids and my dad, everything else is background noise. Honestly even if I did confront them myself, my in laws and ex friends parents would’ve had their own confrontation regardless.

I am fully aware I will have to face the music one day, however today is not that day and I plan on enjoying that for the time being.

People doubted if OOP's story was true as the break between updates was quite short, with comments like:

All this in one day and a half?

To which OOP replied:

My doctors appointment took an hour at max, most OBs do same day appointments for urgent reasons. I just moved clothing and some toys and any of my important things to my dads which is 15 minutes away from my home with help from quite a few people. To be honest it wasn’t even a lot of stuff to move anyways. It all fit in the bed of my FILs pick up. I was lucky that a lawyer had a same day opening spot and gathered documents that are all stored in one spot because I keep them organized. I already have weekly virtual therapy sessions which just so happened to be today which was an hour.

All I did was give my in laws and ex bffs parents the screenshots and saw them for about two hours before I headed home. Which I usually spend time with my dad in the evenings so he was fully aware of where I was, but I asked him to stay home and start on dinner instead of coming. And drive to a cabin. I found out yesterday around 6-7am. Do people not understand how little actually happened?

OOP's ex-bff found the post and made a comment. I messed it up in my previous post but u/TotallyStoned3 was able to find the already deleted comment. Thanks btw

Jess

I was hoping it wasn’t u when I saw this on TikTok but obviously it is u, Kirstyn. I TOLD U to break up w him. I TOLD U Tobias was in love w me. u refused to listen. I told u my husband left me bc he was cheating but it was bc Toby told me we could run away together and we could be together. u ruined everything and now he won’t speak to me??? u need to clean ur mess up instead of posting on socials being a pathetic POS. ur unbelievable. did u think I wouldn’t see this and find out? I hope u miscarry.

Technical_Pumpkin_65's (Also somebody in OOP's life) reply to Jess

Are you serious Jade (Apparently Jess' real name)? Coming here and playing the victim you disgusting fake human being! Not only that but you expose yourself by telling the real names, now everyone will know it’s you in your entourage.

You are so jealous and have a Huge obsession with Kirstyn that you ruined your own life after all the mess you created. It’s obvious Toby never loved you but just wanted to use you for his pleaser. There is nothing more easier to manipulated than a jealous freak who have a obsession with him. If he really wanted to run away with you he would have done it a long time ago but he lied to your face with the one big excuses ever, i stay for the kids. Hahaha you are the clown wh*** here not victim, that’s why even your own parents cut you out from their lives too.

You are such a shame as a woman but also as human being ,you pretend to be friend and betrayed not only her but your family and your own husband ! Can’t wait to hear what will happen to you when more people will know around you, you will finally receive the treatment you deserve specially after wishing her to lose her baby. Karma will do his job now!

OOP's reply to Jess

you told me to break up with him when I was 19 and you were engaged to another man. You never said why. You never said anything about him, because if you did I never would’ve been married and you would’ve been cut out sooner.

Also, no

I put fake names in the post to protect your identities, but if you want to blast yourself to the public, that’s your choice not mine.

 

UPDATE 3 – Mon, June 12, 2023

Hi everyone. I know a lot of people are still asking for an update.

Not much has happened but here are the things that have happened.

• Tyler discovered the post and asked me if I was seeking a divorce. I said I was. He apologized for losing his cool. Asked if there was any hope for reconciliation, I said no. We did have a conversation about the kids, and he’ll be allowed to see them with supervision to which he agreed to.

• I had another meeting with my lawyer, nothing of major importance happened.

• Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing has happened with Jake. He didn’t take back his confession but as I said it’s on the back-burner for a long while. My kids health and well-being take priority over all else.

• my dads health is on a steady decline. He’s now in the hospital with no release date in the immediate future. Please send over thoughts and well wishes his way.

• my kids are adjusting well. We have a therapy appointment for them scheduled next week to help them. My oldest has more questions then the rest but I’m trying to save any big conversations for the therapy appointment so I know I’m conveying the answers in a meaningful and the least harmful way. Also my oldest made try outs for the traveling soccer league, yay! 🙂 oh and the baby is doing great!

Things have calmed down a lot. Truly. I feel like I have a better grip on things. I’ve been putting most of my focus on my dad and kids to keep myself busy.

Thanks you friends for the love, support, and for checking in ❤️

 

NEW UPDATE – Sun, July 23, 2023

Hey everyone. I’m still getting daily messages and comments for an update, so here is what could possibly be my final one.

My dad passed away about a week after my last update. I knew it was coming, but it still feels like a gut punch. Thank you for everyone who kept him in your thoughts. Truly.

My marriage has officially ended. Once Tyler (I believe that’s the fake name I assigned to him please don’t call me out if it’s not, it’s been awhile) discovered just how serious I was about leaving him he became compliant and was willing to give me everything I asked for in the divorce. So my lawyer opted for a dissolution vs divorce. The process is a lot quicker and went smoothly. As of right now I have full custody while he works out his anger management and whatnot with therapy. I’m not sure if I’ll ever trust him again with the kids, but I’m also in therapy as well are my kids. I’m not making any decisions at all right now when it comes to that. He gets supervised visits at a facility where there is an army of staff and security and someone is there at all times. That’s once a week, and he does get video calls twice a week.

The kids are adjusting pretty well. There are days when I think it affects them more, but they’ve suffered some big losses so it’s to be expected. I did decide to give the baby my dad’s first name though. It just felt right. But baby is doing so very well and is thriving despite the amount of stress I’ve had going on.

I’m managing as best as I can with everything going on. I miss my dad like crazy and I’m still trying to figure out how to exist in a world where he doesn’t. The grief still is so very heavy. I'm still mourning my marriage as well. I don’t regret leaving him, but it still hurts me deeply. However, I’m picking up the pieces and making my life whole without him. My MIL (well ex-mil now I guess? Idk still feels weird) and Angie help me out so much. They’ve really allowed me to lean on them in these moments. Whether it be taking the kids for a little while or cooking dinner for us when I don’t have the energy. I truly am so lucky to have them.

And finally to what you all have been waiting to hear about, Jake. Jake is now back in California, he tried extending his leave but the military said no. It was truly wonderful having him there and helping me. In the first few days after my dads passing he picked up so much slack for me that I will truly never be able to repay him for it. He is so patient and kind. That being said, nothing has happened between us. Though he did hold me while I broke down after the kids went to bed quite a few times. But that’s the extent of it. No kissing or anything like that. He does call me and text me multiple times a day. Right now I just don’t have any room in my life for romance.

I have so much grief and the weight of being a single mom has been heavy. He hasn’t pushed me on it either. He let me know that he meant every word he said and that he’s willing to just be my friend until I decide I want more, if I ever decide I want more with him. I wish I could be the girl that jumps in with both feet, but the betrayal from my ex is still fresh and I’m worried I would burn anything out before it started. So I asked for friends and time to process everything else in my life before I even consider processing a new relationship. He happily agreed.

Oh and Tyler and Jess are not a couple. Most of you were right, he left her high and dry. Though I don’t wish misery on anyone, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I get the smallest amount of satisfaction that her life went up in smoke. She’s been blacklisted from her family. And I know a lot of you said it’s weird that her parents did that, but if you guys knew just how deep my bond went with that family it wouldn’t seem weird at all. Angie is like my surrogate mom. She gave me the safe sex talk, the period talk, she listened to me cry about the boys who broke my heart, she held my hand while I delivered my kids. When she talks about me she calls me her daughter. She knew my mom for practically her whole life. She held my moms hand when she delivered me and if anything had happened to both of my parents, she is who I would’ve gone to live with, my parents had that in their will.

So with all of that being said. Please just be kind to me in the comments. I put this off for a few days because of how hostile some people were and the prospect of being called a liar doesn’t sound too appealing at the moment.

Again, I can’t thank you for the amount of light and love I’ve received from you. I promise I read every comment and message, I just haven’t had the capacity to respond. You have really helped brighten my days with all of your words of encouragement. I appreciate you all. I am so lucky to have an army of internet friends, you guys are the best <3

This is it for now, I probably won’t post anything else for a while. I’m still trying to find my footing and I’m trying to get settled in a new routine before I bring a brand new baby in the world. I may come back to this but I may not. Though I do promise I’ll update if anything happens with Jake and I lol. I know so many of you became invested.

PS: please excuse any typos, pregnancy insomnia is kicking my ass right now.

 

Reminder – I am not the original poster.