I am NOT OP. Original post by u/brochib in r/AmItheAsshole
AITA for not teaching a skill to my oldest son that I taught his siblings – 9th September 2019
This has quite literally fractured my family.
I have an older son from my first marriage who's now 24. I have two younger kids from my current marriage who are 21 year old twins.
My divorce occurred right after my son was born.
Over the years, my visitation has been primarily summers and holidays since my ex-wife moved to a different state.
I have a particular skillset I'm was very good at. And all three of my kids have expressed debt charge in it. Unfortunately, I have only been able to meaningfully teach it to my younger kids.
This was because to make my visitation with my older son more memorable, I would do camping/vacations etc. I didn't have time to teach him properly.
Also, anything I did try to teach him was forgotten and not practiced because he lived in an apartment with his mother.
The major issue now is that my younger kids have started a enterprise after highschool using this skill. I provided the initial funds and as such have a 33% stake in it. This enterprise has really soared this past year and it's making a lot of money.
My older son graduated from college and is doing a job he hates and is not exactly making a lot of money. Especially compared to his siblings.
Part of this is my fault because he did ask to take a few years off after highschool and maybe have me teach him what I knew but my wife was battling cancer at the time and I told him I couldn't.
And now, I'm not well enough to teach anymore.
He is now telling me to include him in this enterprise as a equal partner. That he'll do the finances.
This was not received well by his siblings who say they do basically 95% of the work. And that he didn't struggle in the earlier years to get it running.
I'm really at a loss here. I thought of just giving my share of the enterprise to my oldest son but it does seem unfair to his siblings who started this enterprise in the first place.
My oldest has become very bitter about this and has involved my parents. They are taking his side and now my younger kids are resentful that their grandparents have been turned against them.
Our Sunday family lunches are no longer happening and I'm having to see my oldest for dinner on other days. And every time I see him I'm getting accused of not treating him fairly. It kills me because I made so many compromises to have him in my life in a meaningful way.
He accused me on Saturday of pushing him out my new family and loving his siblings more. I haven't been able to sleep since.
Should I have done all this differently?
EDIT / UPDATE
The moderators have been kind enough to let me update my post.
I know many, many people have asked about the skillset I mentioned. I just can't be specific because it'll make my younger kids' enterprise identifiable with a quick search. I will say it's nothing mysterious and is a combination of woodworking, metalworking and some masonry sometimes. It's just a niche product and not many people do it. The tools and techniques are unorthodox.
I spent a lot of time reflecting yesterday after reading everyone's comments.
I have talked to my younger kids and I explained to them that even if they aren't happy with how their brother approached it, it's clear he feels left out from our family and it's all our responsibilities to help fix this.
They agreed to extend the offer of apprenticeship again to their brother where he works and learns as a salaried employee. But they've made it clear that no ownership can be transferred after he's put in at least three years of work like they have. I actually think this is generous because they are paying a salary that they don't need to.
However, I'm not sure if my oldest will go for this. He is feeling some sort of way about working for his brothers, not with them.
I reached out to a teacher in Alaska who I know casually. He might do me a favor and take on an apprentice.
I need to scrounge up some money and see if I can send my son there. But again, it's Alaska and I'm not sure if my son will be receptive.
I don't know what else I can offer at this point. My wife is disgusted that we've become that family that is fighting about money. She wants to force the twins to give a stake in the enterprise to their brother but I really think it's a bad idea. They need to fix their conflict first or it'll just be a disaster. I don't believe we should be telling our younger kids on how to run their enterprise.
I'll be meeting my son this Friday for dinner. I hope he'll be ok with at least one of the options.
I also need to talk to my parents to stop creating more issues. They've always enjoyed chaos and like pitting people against each other. It's not helping.
Thanks everyone.
UPDATE – 22th October 2019
I offered the two best options to my oldest which a few days after I posted during dinner.
The first option was work as a salaried employee for his brothers' enterprise for a few years while he learns the trade and then buy in for a partnership in the enterprise. I would've sold him my share for a very fair price. This was the only way his brothers were willing to join the enterprise. He rejected it immediately.
The second option was an apprenticeship I setup with someone I knew and respected. Unfortunately, this was based in Alaska and he rejected that as well, which I expected.
He then said a lot of hurtful things about me and his mother. I gave in and said I would teach him. Some people did suggest this on the first post.
He took all my tools and material the next few days and moved it to his garage. I've been going over to his garage workshop everyday for a few hours to try and teach him.
It's not going that great I have to admit.
I'm physically not in the best shape and he's getting frustrated by it.
I'm just going to keep going with this and hopefully it'll get easier as he learns more.
I appreciate everyone's input on the first post.
Reminder – I am not the original poster.