I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/LevelBits posting in r/AITAH
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates – Medium
Original – 9th July 2024
Update – 10th July 2024
AITAH for checking out of my relationship after my wife said she wished I had a bigger dick but we don’t always get what we want
My wife (34F) and I (34M) have been married for 8 years and we have a 5 year old son.
Over the past few months, my wife and I have occasionally been having arguments on finances. The main argument we’ve been having is that I want to take our family out on a vacation to a different state, but my wife wants to save up so we can travel abroad next year.
Last month, my wife and I were having an argument again about this, and I was telling her a vacation would be really good for our family and our son. We talked back and forth, and I could sense my wife was getting exasperated, but I stood my ground. I told her we could take a vacation now, and we could also go abroad next year, and my wife just lost her cool and said that the finances made that impractical, and that she also wished I had a bigger dick but in life we don’t always get what we want.
That stung me, I am aware I have an average sized dick, but I’ve never had any complaints from anyone on it until now, and to hear it from my wife, it just numbed me. I then checked out of the conversation, and my wife instantly apologized after she said that. I told her it was ok and I then went to sleep.
From the next day on however, I distanced myself from my wife and just focused on work and my son. My wife tried to initiate conversation and apologize multiple times, and I usually just ignored her or told her to let it go. I also started eating out as I did not want to eat my wife’s dinner. My wife initiated sex one night, and I told her to get off me. My birthday was a few days ago, and I ignored my wife when she wished me, or when she tried to kiss me. We didn’t do anything for my birthday, and when my wife gave me a gift which was packaged with also a handwritten letter, I told her to return it. I have no idea what was the gift or what was written in the letter, and I don’t really care.
I am at my limit now and I know this is not healthy or sustainable, so I have seriously started considering divorce. But I also wanted to get an opinion from the people I trusted most in the world, my 2 siblings. My brother thinks I should at least consider marriage counseling first before proceeding with divorce, as he doesn’t think this worth jumping straight to divorce for. My sister has the opposite opinion, and she thinks I am still young and fit and I have a long life ahead of me and it should be very easy for me to get someone who’s much more beautiful than my wife, both on the exterior and the interior.
AITAH for checking out of my relationship and considering divorce?
Comments
ProfPlumDidIt
The comment itself is an asshole move, but, imo, the bigger problem is that she said it in anger which means she intended it as a weapon to hurt you. Anyone who would do that isn't someone you can feel safe being vulnerable around.
If you WANT to try to stay, then marriage counseling is mandatory as is individual counseling for her to figure out why her mind even went there in the first place – any refusal from her on that should be immediate game-over.
That said, nothing in your post indicates that you do want to stay… just that you think maybe you should. If you don't really want to stay with her, don't.
hardlyevatoodrunktof
Thank you for pointing this out. Words can't be taken back once said out loud, that should always be remembered, even in the most heated argument. Also, you don't say things you never thought about before. Cause they don't really pop up out of nowhere in a (completely unrelated) fight.
SwiftieAdjacent
The tree remembers what the axe forgets.
Happy_Accident99
NTA, that was a cruel comment.
BUT … Reddit totally blows my mind sometimes. You and most commenters are going to throw away an entire 8-year marriage because of ONE SENTENCE uttered by your partner during an argument? Clearly counseling is needed on the root issue (frequent arguments over finances), but divorcing over ONE SENTENCE is an incredible overreaction. Please slow down , have a heart-to-heart with your wife, and figure out how to move forward.
Temporary_Carrot7855
Reddit's responses to this kind of thing make me wonder what kind of relationships most redditors have (if any)
Tasty_Doughnut_9226
I think you need to look more at why you're in frequent arguments about money, it sounds like your wife has more of a handle on family finances than you do.
Capital_Explorer9629
Finally. I was looking for this comment. I think the fact that he's more willing to spend money than she is, is more of a concern than a hurtful comment made in the heat of an argument. Him choosing spend more money on eating out now because he's mad at her is probably making the situation worse. When he finally decides to talk to her, she might have come to the conclusion that they're not financially compatible based on those actions alone.
Update – 1 day later
Having read a few comments, I will proceed with marriage counseling like my brother recommended before jumping straight to divorce. I will try and save our marriage for my son, and see if marriage counseling can fix our marriage.
I opened up to my wife last night for the first time in almost a month. I told her what she said made me feel worthless and insecure, and while she was beautiful on the outside, I never realized how ugly she was on the inside. I told her I feel trapped in this marriage, and that I’ve completely lost feelings for her, and when I see her I feel nothing, no love, no hate, just indifference and wanting to be left alone.
I told her I could maybe understand her comment if we were just dating for a year or 2. But to do this to someone you’re married to for almost a decade, someone who was open and vulnerable with you, and then to just use those vulnerabilities and insecurities as a weapon to hurt him, it was just horrible.
I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said; but I just wanted to get it off my chest. I felt a bit relieved after I finished talking, like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. When I was finished talking, my wife apologized again and said she was hoping marriage counseling could fix our marriage too, but she started crying really badly after that which made me feel bad, and I consoled her. It’s the first time in a month I’ve felt anything for my wife. She tried to kiss me, but I told her I still needed some space, and I continued to console her as she was very emotional.
Comments
HumanCaptchacorn
I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said; but I just wanted to get it off my chest
Sounds like you and your wife both say things you don't mean when you're upset. I hope you'll actually try marriage counseling instead of just using it as another tool to argue
MiddleAged_BogWitch
Yes. Learn to talk to each other without needing to wound one another.
Sketch-Brooke
I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said; but I just wanted to get it off my chest
OP, hold the telephone. You were ready for divorce because your wife made a cruel comment in the heat of the moment. But you admit here that you do the same thing? Saying things you don’t mean when you’re upset?
What have you previously said to her in arguments like this? You conveniently “don’t remember” what all you said here. But have you ever made cruel personal remarks designed to hurt her the way the “small dick” comment hurt you?
I’m not saying this to excuse what she said or blame you. But this is clearly a pattern you both participate in. Counseling is the right choice, and I’m glad you had the maturity to listen to your brother and give it a shot.
I just hope you’ll have a realization about your role in this unhealthy dance.
netmagnetization
I feel this is the correct take on the situation. There are always two sides to a story, and a comment like that rarely emerges from a vacuum. If this marriage is salvageable they both need to develop more self awareness and respect for one another. Verbally savaging the person you claim to love is not the way.
SignificantOrange139
I probably didn't mean a lot of the things I said
Very convenient that you get to say shit you don't mean to, but when you push her over and over again for a vacation you cannot feasibly afford, and she says something hurtful she's "ugly inside" and you get to shun her for a month and paint her a vicious monster to your siblings.
I didn't render a judgment on your initial post but I sure do think you're an asshole now.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
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